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Mark Twain

1835-1910 ,  American writer
Mark TwainSamuel Langhorne Clemens, known by his pen name Mark Twain, was an American writer, humorist, entrepreneur, publisher and lecturer. Among his novels are The Adventures of Tom Sawyer (1876) and its sequel, Adventures of Huckleberry Finn (1885), the latter often called “The Great American Novel.”.

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Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.

Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.

Of the delights of this world, man cares most for sexual intercourse yet he has left it out of his heaven.

Let us swear while we may, for in heaven it will not be allowed.

Action speaks louder than words but not nearly as often.

The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time.

Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities. Truth isn't.

Grief can take care of itself, but to get the full value of a joy you must have somebody to divide it with.

Anyone who stops learning is old, whether twenty or eighty. Anyone who keeps learning stays young. The greatest thing you can do is keep your mind young.

Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest.

A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain.

I have been through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened.

I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.

If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.

In his private heart no man respects himself.

It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt.

Most people are bothered by those passages of Scripture they do not understand, but the passages that bother me are those I do understand.

Suppose you were an idiot and suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.

The best way to cheer yourself is to try to cheer someone else up.

The man who doesn't read good books has no advantage over the man who can't read them.

The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.

When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened or not.

When in doubt, tell the truth.

Whenever you find that you are on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect.

A lie can travel halfway around the world while the truth is putting on its shoes.

You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.

Man is the only animal that Blushes. Or needs to.

There are several good protections against temptations, but the surest is cowardice.

The rule is perfect: in all matters of opinion our adversaries are insane.

When a person cannot deceive himself the chances are against his being able to deceive other people.

Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.

Good friends, good books, and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life.

Wrinkles should merely indicate where the smiles have been.

Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear - not absence of fear.

It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.

The worst loneliness is to not be comfortable with yourself.

History doesn't repeat itself, but it does rhyme.

When angry, count four. When very angry, swear.

Any emotion, if it is sincere, is involuntary.

The most interesting information come from children, for they tell all they know and then stop.

Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.

The Bible has noble poetry in it... and some good morals and a wealth of obscenity, and upwards of a thousand lies.

If voting made any difference they wouldn't let us do it.

The right word may be effective, but no word was ever as effective as a rightly timed pause.

Writing is easy. All you have to do is cross out the wrong words.

Never argue with a fool, onlookers may not be able to tell the difference.

Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has laid an egg cackles as if she had laid an asteroid.

Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.

Civilization is a limitless multiplication of unnecessary necessaries.

Good judgment is the result of experience and experience the result of bad judgment.

It's easy to make friends, but hard to get rid of them.

Honesty: The best of all the lost arts.

The secret source of humor is not joy but sorrow; there is no humor in heaven.

A man's character may be learned from the adjectives which he habitually uses in conversation.

There are three things men can do with women: love them, suffer them, or turn them into literature.

Explaining humor is a lot like dissecting a frog, you learn a lot in the process, but in the end you kill it.

When in doubt tell the truth. It will confound your enemies and astound your friends.

Never be haughty to the humble, never be humble to the haughty.

What gets us into trouble is not what we don't know. It's what we know for sure that just ain't so.

Definition of a classic — something that everybody wants to have read and nobody wants to read.

I have been complimented many times and they always embarrass me; I always feel that they have not said enough.

Thunder is good, thunder is impressive; but it is lightning that does the work.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.

Funny Quotes

In Paris they simply stared when I spoke to them in French; I never did succeed in making those idiots understand their language.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

The report of my death was an exaggeration.

Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times.

If Christ were here, there is one thing he would not be—a Christian.

Politicians and diapers must be changed often, and for the same reason.

I do not like work even when someone else is doing it.


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