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Laughable quotes, short jokes, one-liners, humorous sayings.

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  Meaning of Life
George CarlinJust when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.

—  George Carlin, 1936-2008, American comedian

1 likes
AnonymousLife is a sexually transmitted disease.

—  Anonymous

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Kurt VonnegutI tell you, we are here on Earth to fart around, and don't let anybody tell you different.

—  Kurt Vonnegut, 1922-2007, American writer

  
  Mankind
Fred AllenIf I could get my membership fee back, I'd resign from the human race.

—  Fred Allen, 1894-1956, American comedian

  
  World
AnonymousThe astronomers must have been very clever to have found out the names of all the stars.

—  Anonymous

     (from the book “The Physics Teacher”, Volume 8, 1970)

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AnonymousIt's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.

—  Anonymous

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Woody AllenCan we actually know the universe? My God, it's hard enough finding your way around in Chinatown.

—  Woody Allen, 1935-, American actor & film director

  
  Conscience
Henry YoungmanWhen you battle with your conscience and lose, you win.

—  Henry Youngman, 1906-1998, American comedian

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  Life
Steven WrightI intend to live forever. So far, so good.

—  Steven Wright, 1955-, American comedian

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Jean-Paul SartreEverything has been figured out, except how to live.

—  Jean-Paul Sartre, 1905-1980, French philosopher

  
  Death
Woody AllenIt’s not that I’m afraid to die. I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

—  Woody Allen, 1935-, American actor & film director

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Henry YoungmanA doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.

—  Henry Youngman, 1906-1998, American comedian

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Mark TwainThe report of my death was an exaggeration.

—  Mark Twain, 1835-1910, American writer

Kurt VonnegutOne of the few good things about modern times: If you die horribly on television, you will not have died in vain. You will have entertained us.

—  Kurt Vonnegut, 1922-2007, American writer

Sam GoldwynI don't think anybody should write his autobiography until after he's dead.

—  Sam Goldwyn, 1879-1974, American film producer

George BurnsHow can I die? I'm booked.

—  George Burns, 1896-1996, American comedian

George BurnsI get up every morning and read the obituary column. If my name's not there, I eat breakfast.

—  George Burns, 1896-1996, American comedian

  
  Suicide
Steven WrightIf a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

—  Steven Wright, 1955-, American comedian

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Steven WrightI tried to hang myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying.

—  Steven Wright, 1955-, American comedian

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Woody AllenThere have been times when I've thought of suicide but with my luck it'd probably be a temporary solution.

—  Woody Allen, 1935-, American actor & film director

  
  Paranormal
Jay LenoHow come you never see a headline like “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

—  Jay Leno, 1950-, American TV host

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AnonymousAll those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

—  Anonymous

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Eugene O’NeillIf dat ghost have money, I tells him never to haunt you less'n he wants to lose it!

—  Eugene O’Neill, 1888-1953, American playwright, Nobel 1936

  
  Metaphysics
Woody AllenI was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

—  Woody Allen, 1935-, American actor & film director

Karl KrausNewspapers have roughly the same relationship to life as fortune-tellers to metaphysics.

—  Karl Kraus, 1874-1936, Austrian writer

  
  Astrology
Arthur ClarkeI don't believe in astrology; I'm a Sagittarius and we're skeptical.

—  Arthur Clarke, 1917-2008, British Sci-Fi writer

  
  Afterlife
Woody AllenI don't believe in an afterlife, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

—  Woody Allen, 1935-, American actor & film director

  
  Religion
George CarlinThe only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.

—  George Carlin, 1936-2008, American comedian

1 likes
George Carlin“When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?” This title offends all three major religions, and even vegetarians!

—  George Carlin, 1936-2008, American comedian

1 likes
George CarlinI was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me—they’re cramming for their final exam.

—  George Carlin, 1936-2008, American comedian

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Dave BarryThe problem with writing about religion is that you run the risk of offending sincerely religious people, and then they come after you with machetes.

—  Dave Barry, 1947-, American journalist

1 likes
Ambrose BierceReligion, n. A daughter of Hope and Fear, explaining to Ignorance the nature of the Unknowable.

—  Ambrose Bierce, 1842–1914, American writer

TalleyrandI found there a country with thirty-two religions and only one sauce.

—  Talleyrand, 1754-1838, French statesman & diplomat

  
  God
Jay LenoIf God doesn't destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology.

—  Jay Leno, 1950-, American TV host

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George CarlinThere's this man who lives in the sky, and he has ten things he doesn't want you to do, and you'll burn for a long time if you do them… But he loves you.

—  George Carlin, 1936-2008, American comedian

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Woody AllenIf only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name in a Swiss bank.

—  Woody Allen, 1935-, American actor & film director

Ambrose BierceZeus, n. The chief of Grecian gods, adored by the Romans as Jupiter and by the modern Americans as God, Gold, Mob and Dog.

—  Ambrose Bierce, 1842–1914, American writer

  
  Christianity
Woody AllenI was walking through the woods, thinking about Christ. If He was a carpenter, I wondered what He charged for bookshelves.

—  Woody Allen, 1935-, American actor & film director

Mark TwainIf Christ were here, there is one thing he would not be—a Christian.

—  Mark Twain, 1835-1910, American writer

Elbert HubbardHeaven: the Coney Island of the Christian imagination.

—  Elbert Hubbard, 1856-1915, American writer

  
  Right & Wrong
Mae WestShe's the kind of girl who climbed the ladder of success wrong by wrong.

—  Mae West, 1892-1980, American actress

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Laurence J PeterIf two wrongs don't make a right, try three.

—  Laurence J Peter, 1919-1990, Canadian writer & educator

Sam GoldwynI'm willing to admit that I may not always be right, but I am never wrong.

—  Sam Goldwyn, 1879-1974, American film producer

  
  Prayer
Ambrose BiercePray, v. To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled in behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.

—  Ambrose Bierce, 1842–1914, American writer

  
  Atheism
George CarlinAtheism is a non-prophet organization.

—  George Carlin, 1936-2008, American comedian

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Henry YoungmanI once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.

—  Henry Youngman, 1906-1998, American comedian

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Woody AllenNot only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends.

—  Woody Allen, 1935-, American actor & film director

Christopher HitchensThe gods that we've made are exactly the gods you'd expect to be made by a species that's about half a chromosome away from being chimpanzee.

—  Christopher Hitchens, 1949-2011, British-American journalist & writer

  
  Heaven
Steven WrightIf warm air rises, Heaven could be hotter than Hell.

—  Steven Wright, 1955-, American comedian

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Elbert HubbardHeaven: the Coney Island of the Christian imagination.

—  Elbert Hubbard, 1856-1915, American writer

  
  Hell
Ronald ReaganSocialism only works in two places: Heaven where they don't need it and hell where they already have it.

—  Ronald Reagan, 1911-2004, American President [1981-1989]

  
  Time
AnonymousThe speed of time is one second per second.

—  Anonymous

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Steven WrightIf you are killing time, are you damaging eternity?

—  Steven Wright, 1955-, American comedian

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Groucho MarxTime flies like the wind. Fruit flies like a banana.

—  Groucho Marx, 1890-1977, American comedian

  
  Past
George BurnsWhen I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.

—  George Burns, 1896-1996, American comedian

  
  Future
George CarlinThe future will soon be a thing of the past.

—  George Carlin, 1936-2008, American comedian

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  Age
Bob HopeMiddle age is when your age starts to show around your middle.

—  Bob Hope, 1903-2003, American comedian

  
  Old Age
George CarlinAt a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

—  George Carlin, 1936-2008, American comedian

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Steven WrightHow young can you die of old age?

—  Steven Wright, 1955-, American comedian

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George BurnsIf you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die past that age.

—  George Burns, 1896-1996, American comedian

George BurnsYou know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there.

—  George Burns, 1896-1996, American comedian

George BurnsRetirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples.

—  George Burns, 1896-1996, American comedian

Phyllis DillerYou know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.

—  Phyllis Diller, 1917 - 2012, American comedian

Phyllis DillerYou know you're old when your walker has an airbag.

—  Phyllis Diller, 1917 - 2012, American comedian

  
  Prophecy
Yogi BerraIt's tough to make predictions, especially about the future.

—  Yogi Berra, 1925-2015, American baseball player & humorist

  
  Procrastination
Mark TwainNever put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

—  Mark Twain, 1835-1910, American writer

  
  Speed
George CarlinHave you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

—  George Carlin, 1936-2008, American comedian

1 likes
Steven WrightWhat is the speed of dark?

—  Steven Wright, 1955-, American comedian

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  Sleep
Ronald ReaganI have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of a national emergency —even if I’m in a Cabinet meeting.

—  Ronald Reagan, 1911-2004, American President [1981-1989]

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Mitch HedbergI haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

—  Mitch Hedberg, 1968-2005, American comedian

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George CarlinThat's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

—  George Carlin, 1936-2008, American comedian

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Dave BarryNever under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

—  Dave Barry, 1947-, American journalist

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  Void
Woody AllenEternal nothingness is O.K. if you're dressed for it.

—  Woody Allen, 1935-, American actor & film director

  
  Distance
Steven WrightEverywhere is walking distance if you've got the time.

—  Steven Wright, 1955-, American comedian

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  Proximity
George CarlinAt a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

—  George Carlin, 1936-2008, American comedian

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  Mirror
Phyllis DillerYou know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!

—  Phyllis Diller, 1917 - 2012, American comedian

  
  Holes
George CarlinI wanted to get a job as a gynecologist, but I couldn't find an opening.

—  George Carlin, 1936-2008, American comedian

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  Absence
Woody AllenIt’s not that I’m afraid to die. I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

—  Woody Allen, 1935-, American actor & film director

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  Housekeeping
Phyllis DillerCleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.

—  Phyllis Diller, 1917 - 2012, American comedian

Phyllis DillerI've buried a lot of my laundry in the back yard

—  Phyllis Diller, 1917 - 2012, American comedian

Phyllis DillerHousework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

—  Phyllis Diller, 1917 - 2012, American comedian

  
  House
George CarlinA house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.

—  George Carlin, 1936-2008, American comedian

1 likes
Zsa Zsa GaborI am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house.

—  Zsa Zsa Gabor, 1917-2016, Hungarian-American actress

  
  Injustice
George CarlinIt isn’t fair: the caterpillar does all the work, and the butterfly gets all the glory.

—  George Carlin, 1936-2008, American comedian

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  Contradictions
George CarlinHow come when it’s us, it’s an abortion, and when it’s a chicken, it’s an omelette?

—  George Carlin, 1936-2008, American comedian

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Steven WrightI think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

—  Steven Wright, 1955-, American comedian

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  New
Sam GoldwynWhat we need now is some new, fresh clichés.

—  Sam Goldwyn, 1879-1974, American film producer

Phyllis DillerI asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'

—  Phyllis Diller, 1917 - 2012, American comedian

  
  Confusion
Albert EinsteinThe hardest thing in the world to understand is income taxes.

—  Albert Einstein, 1879-1955, German-Jewish physicist

  
  Relativity
George CarlinSome people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty. I see a glass that's twice as big as it needs to be.

—  George Carlin, 1936-2008, American comedian

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Rodney DangerfieldI found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.

—  Rodney Dangerfield, 1924-2004, American comedian

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  Excess
Mark TwainThe report of my death was an exaggeration.

—  Mark Twain, 1835-1910, American writer

  
  Rules
Somerset MaughamThere are three rules for writing the novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.

—  Somerset Maugham, 1874-1965, British writer

  

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