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The Best Quotations

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Funny Quotes

Laughable quotes, short jokes, one-liners, humorous sayings.

page 1 of 6

  Meaning of Life
George CarlinJust when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.

—  George Carlin, 1936-2008, American comedian

23 likes
AnonymousLife is a sexually transmitted disease.

—  Anonymous

16 likes
Kurt VonnegutI tell you, we are here on Earth to fart around, and don't let anybody tell you different.

—  Kurt Vonnegut, 1922-2007, American writer

8 likes
Ashleigh BrilliantMy life has a superb cast, but I cannot figure out the plot.

—  Ashleigh Brilliant, 1933-, British cartoonist & epigrammatist

  
  Mankind
Fred AllenIf I could get my membership fee back, I'd resign from the human race.

—  Fred Allen, 1894-1956, American comedian

8 likes
Jean RostandHumanity is a disease of the earth. There are no humans on healthy planets.

—  Jean Rostand, 1894-1977, French scientist & philosopher

  
  Identity
Lily TomlinI always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.

—  Lily Tomlin, 1939-, American actress

6 likes
Ashleigh BrilliantI'm in search of myself
have you seen me anywhere?

—  Ashleigh Brilliant, 1933-, British cartoonist & epigrammatist

  
  World
AnonymousThe astronomers must have been very clever to have found out the names of all the stars.

—  Anonymous

     (from the book “The Physics Teacher”, Volume 8, 1970)

6 likes
AnonymousIt's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.

—  Anonymous

5 likes
Woody AllenCan we actually know the universe? My God, it's hard enough finding your way around in Chinatown.

—  Woody Allen, 1935-, American actor & film director

4 likes
  
  Conscience
Henry YoungmanWhen you battle with your conscience and lose, you win.

—  Henry Youngman, 1906-1998, American comedian

7 likes
  
  Life
Steven WrightI intend to live forever. So far, so good.

—  Steven Wright, 1955-, American comedian

6 likes
Jean-Paul SartreEverything has been figured out, except how to live.

—  Jean-Paul Sartre, 1905-1980, French philosopher

7 likes
Ricky GervaisMondays are fine. It’s your life that sucks.

—  Ricky Gervais, 1961-, British comedian & screenwriter

8 likes
Ashleigh BrilliantStrange as it may seem, my life is based on a true story.

—  Ashleigh Brilliant, 1933-, British cartoonist & epigrammatist

5 likes
  
  Death
Woody AllenIt’s not that I’m afraid to die. I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

—  Woody Allen, 1935-, American actor & film director

8 likes
Henry YoungmanA doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.

—  Henry Youngman, 1906-1998, American comedian

8 likes
Mark TwainThe report of my death was an exaggeration.

—  Mark Twain, 1835-1910, American writer

6 likes
Kurt VonnegutOne of the few good things about modern times: If you die horribly on television, you will not have died in vain. You will have entertained us.

—  Kurt Vonnegut, 1922-2007, American writer

5 likes
Sam GoldwynI don't think anybody should write his autobiography until after he's dead.

—  Sam Goldwyn, 1879-1974, American film producer

4 likes
George BurnsHow can I die? I'm booked.

—  George Burns, 1896-1996, American comedian

3 likes
George BurnsI get up every morning and read the obituary column. If my name's not there, I eat breakfast.

—  George Burns, 1896-1996, American comedian

6 likes
François CavannaThe man who dies by drowning sees his whole life pass by in a flash, when it would be better to just swim.

—  François Cavanna, 1923-2014, French humorist & cartoonist

Jerry SeinfeldI read that the number one fear of the average person is public speaking … Number two was death. To me, that means that, to the average person, if you were going to be at a funeral, you would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.

—  Jerry Seinfeld, 1954-, American comedian

  
  Suicide
Steven WrightIf a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

—  Steven Wright, 1955-, American comedian

11 likes
Steven WrightI tried to hang myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying.

—  Steven Wright, 1955-, American comedian

14 likes
Woody AllenThere have been times when I've thought of suicide but with my luck it'd probably be a temporary solution.

—  Woody Allen, 1935-, American actor & film director

7 likes
Rodney DangerfieldI told my psychiatrist I was thinking of killing myself. He told me from now on I had to pay in advance.

—  Rodney Dangerfield, 1924-2004, American comedian

15 likes
  
  Paranormal
Jay LenoHow come you never see a headline like “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

—  Jay Leno, 1950-, American TV host

6 likes
AnonymousAll those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

—  Anonymous

5 likes
Eugene O’NeillIf dat ghost have money, I tells him never to haunt you less'n he wants to lose it!

—  Eugene O’Neill, 1888-1953, American playwright, Nobel 1936

2 likes
AnonymousIf we ever travel far in the universe to another planet with intelligent life, let's just make patterns in their crops and leave.

—  Anonymous

4 likes
Bill WattersonSometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.

—  Bill Watterson, 1958-, American cartoonist

5 likes
Bill WattersonTalking with you is the conversational equivalent of an out of body experience.

—  Bill Watterson, 1958-, American cartoonist

3 likes
Ashleigh BrilliantIf you don't believe in ghosts, you've never been to a family reunion.

—  Ashleigh Brilliant, 1933-, British cartoonist & epigrammatist

  
  Metaphysics
Woody AllenI was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

—  Woody Allen, 1935-, American actor & film director

3 likes
Karl KrausNewspapers have roughly the same relationship to life as fortune-tellers to metaphysics.

—  Karl Kraus, 1874-1936, Austrian writer

6 likes
  
  Astrology
Arthur ClarkeI don't believe in astrology; I'm a Sagittarius and we're skeptical.

—  Arthur Clarke, 1917-2008, British Sci-Fi writer

14 likes
Ashleigh BrilliantI believe the stars can affect human lives, particularly by providing employment for thousands of astrologers.

—  Ashleigh Brilliant, 1933-, British cartoonist & epigrammatist

  
  Afterlife
Woody AllenI don't believe in an afterlife, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

—  Woody Allen, 1935-, American actor & film director

2 likes
Henry MillerSex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation... The other eight are unimportant.

—  Henry Miller, 1891-1980, American writer

  
  Religion
George CarlinThe only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.

—  George Carlin, 1936-2008, American comedian

14 likes
George Carlin“When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?” This title offends all three major religions, and even vegetarians!

—  George Carlin, 1936-2008, American comedian

14 likes
George CarlinI was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me—they’re cramming for their final exam.

—  George Carlin, 1936-2008, American comedian

13 likes
Dave BarryThe problem with writing about religion is that you run the risk of offending sincerely religious people, and then they come after you with machetes.

—  Dave Barry, 1947-, American journalist

11 likes
Ambrose BierceReligion, n. A daughter of Hope and Fear, explaining to Ignorance the nature of the Unknowable.

—  Ambrose Bierce, 1842–1914, American writer

9 likes
TalleyrandI found there a country with thirty-two religions and only one sauce.

—  Talleyrand, 1754-1838, French statesman & diplomat

43 likes
Ashleigh BrilliantIf you value your safety, avoid holy places founded in the name of peace and brotherhood.

—  Ashleigh Brilliant, 1933-, British cartoonist & epigrammatist

  
  God
Jay LenoIf God doesn't destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology.

—  Jay Leno, 1950-, American TV host

7 likes
George CarlinThere's this man who lives in the sky, and he has ten things he doesn't want you to do, and you'll burn for a long time if you do them… But he loves you.

—  George Carlin, 1936-2008, American comedian

14 likes
Woody AllenIf only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name in a Swiss bank.

—  Woody Allen, 1935-, American actor & film director

5 likes
Ambrose BierceZeus, n. The chief of Grecian gods, adored by the Romans as Jupiter and by the modern Americans as God, Gold, Mob and Dog.

—  Ambrose Bierce, 1842–1914, American writer

2 likes
  
  Christianity
Woody AllenI was walking through the woods, thinking about Christ. If He was a carpenter, I wondered what He charged for bookshelves.

—  Woody Allen, 1935-, American actor & film director

3 likes
Mark TwainIf Christ were here, there is one thing he would not be—a Christian.

—  Mark Twain, 1835-1910, American writer

23 likes
Elbert HubbardHeaven: the Coney Island of the Christian imagination.

—  Elbert Hubbard, 1856-1915, American writer

2 likes
Lenny BruceAlright, let’s admit it, we Jews killed Christ – but it was only for three days.

—  Lenny Bruce, 1925-1966, American comedian

Lenny BruceIf Jesus had been killed twenty years ago, Catholic school children would be wearing little electric chairs around their necks instead of crosses.

—  Lenny Bruce, 1925-1966, American comedian

  
  Right & Wrong
Dave LettermanThe worst-tempered people I have ever met were those who knew that they were wrong.

—  Dave Letterman, 1947-, American TV talk show host

6 likes
Mae WestShe's the kind of girl who climbed the ladder of success wrong by wrong.

—  Mae West, 1893-1980, American actress

3 likes
Laurence J PeterIf two wrongs don't make a right, try three.

—  Laurence J Peter, 1919-1990, Canadian writer & educator

7 likes
Sam GoldwynI'm willing to admit that I may not always be right, but I am never wrong.

—  Sam Goldwyn, 1879-1974, American film producer

6 likes
  
  Prayer
Ambrose BiercePray, v. To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled in behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.

—  Ambrose Bierce, 1842–1914, American writer

7 likes
Ashleigh BrilliantNo matter how often I talk to God, he never tells me anything I didn’t already know.

—  Ashleigh Brilliant, 1933-, British cartoonist & epigrammatist

Frank SinatraI'm for anything that gets you through the night, be it prayer, benzedrine or a bottle of Jack Daniel's.

—  Frank Sinatra, 1915-1998, American singer

5 likes
  
  Faith
Lenny BruceFaith is to the human what sand is to the ostrich.

—  Lenny Bruce, 1925-1966, American comedian

  
  Atheism
George CarlinAtheism is a non-prophet organization.

—  George Carlin, 1936-2008, American comedian

21 likes
Henry YoungmanI once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.

—  Henry Youngman, 1906-1998, American comedian

4 likes
Woody AllenNot only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends.

—  Woody Allen, 1935-, American actor & film director

2 likes
Christopher HitchensThe gods that we've made are exactly the gods you'd expect to be made by a species that's about half a chromosome away from being chimpanzee.

—  Christopher Hitchens, 1949-2011, British-American journalist & writer

7 likes
  
  Heaven
Steven WrightIf warm air rises, Heaven could be hotter than Hell.

—  Steven Wright, 1955-, American comedian

6 likes
Elbert HubbardHeaven: the Coney Island of the Christian imagination.

—  Elbert Hubbard, 1856-1915, American writer

2 likes
  
  Hell
Ronald ReaganSocialism only works in two places: Heaven where they don't need it and hell where they already have it.

—  Ronald Reagan, 1911-2004, American President [1981-1989]

37 likes
Henri JeansonFrom the day that God put man in the presence of woman, paradise became hell.

—  Henri Jeanson, 1900-1970, French critic & columnist

  
  The Truth
Ashleigh BrilliantSpeak nothing but the truth, and you'll soon be considered dangerous.

—  Ashleigh Brilliant, 1933-, British cartoonist & epigrammatist

  
  Timing
Bill Watterson– You can't just turn on creativity like a faucet. You have to be in the right mood.
– What mood is that?
– Last-minute panic.

—  Bill Watterson, 1958-, American cartoonist

3 likes
Ashleigh BrilliantI try to take it one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once.

—  Ashleigh Brilliant, 1933-, British cartoonist & epigrammatist

  
  Time
AnonymousThe speed of time is one second per second.

—  Anonymous

6 likes
Steven WrightIf you are killing time, are you damaging eternity?

—  Steven Wright, 1955-, American comedian

3 likes
Groucho MarxTime flies like the wind. Fruit flies like a banana.

—  Groucho Marx, 1890-1977, American comedian

4 likes
  
  Duration
Fran LebowitzIf you can stay in love for more than two years, you’re on something.

—  Fran Lebowitz, 1951-, American journalist & writer

4 likes
Jerry SeinfeldSex, that’s meaningless, I can understand that, but dinner; that’s heavy. That’s like an hour.

—  Jerry Seinfeld, 1954-, American comedian

5 likes
  
  Past
George BurnsWhen I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.

—  George Burns, 1896-1996, American comedian

5 likes
Ashleigh BrilliantNot only don't I know what tomorrow will bring, I'm still not entirely certain what yesterday brought.

—  Ashleigh Brilliant, 1933-, British cartoonist & epigrammatist

P.J. O’ RourkeWe had a choice between Democrats who couldn't learn from the past and Republicans who couldn't stop living in it.

—  P.J. O’ Rourke, 1947-2022, American columnist & writer

3 likes
  
  Origin
AnonymousIf man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

—  Anonymous

4 likes
Jerry SeinfeldWhat are they planting to grow the seedless watermelon?

—  Jerry Seinfeld, 1954-, American comedian

4 likes
AnonymousIf electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

—  Anonymous

5 likes
  
  Future
George CarlinThe future will soon be a thing of the past.

—  George Carlin, 1936-2008, American comedian

10 likes
Bill VaughanIn the next century it will be the early mechanical bird which get the first plastic worm out of the artificial grass.

—  Bill Vaughan, 1915-1977, American journalist

Ashleigh BrilliantI have seen the future!
Go back!

—  Ashleigh Brilliant, 1933-, British cartoonist & epigrammatist

  
  Childhood
Lenny BruceI won't say ours was a tough school, but we had our own coroner. We used to write essays like “What I'm Going to be If I Grow Up”.

—  Lenny Bruce, 1925-1966, American comedian

5 likes
  
  Age
Bob HopeMiddle age is when your age starts to show around your middle.

—  Bob Hope, 1903-2003, American comedian

5 likes
Bill VaughanYouth is when you're allowed to stay up late on New Year's Eve. Middle age is when you're forced to!

—  Bill Vaughan, 1915-1977, American journalist

  
  Old Age
George CarlinAt a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

—  George Carlin, 1936-2008, American comedian

6 likes
Steven WrightHow young can you die of old age?

—  Steven Wright, 1955-, American comedian

3 likes
George BurnsIf you live to be one hundred, you’ve got it made. Very few people die past that age.

—  George Burns, 1896-1996, American comedian

6 likes
George BurnsYou know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there.

—  George Burns, 1896-1996, American comedian

13 likes
George BurnsRetirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples.

—  George Burns, 1896-1996, American comedian

3 likes
Phyllis DillerYou know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.

—  Phyllis Diller, 1917-2012, American comedian

5 likes
Phyllis DillerYou know you're old when your walker has an airbag.

—  Phyllis Diller, 1917-2012, American comedian

3 likes
Milton BerleThe problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired.

—  Milton Berle, 1908-2002, American comedian

5 likes
Bill VaughanBy the time you're eighty years old you've learned everything. You only have to remember it.

—  Bill Vaughan, 1915-1977, American journalist

Terry PratchettInside every old person is a young person wondering what happened.

—  Terry Pratchett, 1948-2015, British writer

8 likes
Agatha ChristieAn archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.

—  Agatha Christie, 1890-1976, British writer

1 likes
  
  Procrastination
Mark TwainNever put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

—  Mark Twain, 1835-1910, American writer

7 likes
  
  Haste & Delay
Robert BenchleyI know I'm drinking myself to a slow death, but then I'm in no hurry.

—  Robert Benchley, 1889-1945, American columnist

6 likes
Henry YoungmanThe horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.

—  Henry Youngman, 1906-1998, American comedian

3 likes
  
  Speed
George CarlinHave you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

—  George Carlin, 1936-2008, American comedian

16 likes
Steven WrightWhat is the speed of dark?

—  Steven Wright, 1955-, American comedian

4 likes
Steven WrightI drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

—  Steven Wright, 1955-, American comedian

2 likes
Woody AllenI took a course in speed reading, learning to read straight down the middle of the page, and I was able to go through War and Peace in 20 minutes. It’s about Russia.

—  Woody Allen, 1935-, American actor & film director

2 likes
Mitch HedbergIf I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn’t type any slower.

—  Mitch Hedberg, 1968-2005, American comedian

2 likes
Terry PratchettLight thinks it travels faster than anything but it is wrong. No matter how fast light travels, it finds the darkness has always got there first, and is waiting for it.

—  Terry Pratchett, 1948-2015, British writer

14 likes
  
  Misunderstanding
George W. BushThey misunderestimated me.

—  George W. Bush, 1946-, American President

6 likes
  
  Learning
Fred AllenI learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back.

—  Fred Allen, 1894-1956, American comedian

2 likes
Bill VaughanPeople learn something every day, and a lot of times it's that what they learned the day before was wrong.

—  Bill Vaughan, 1915-1977, American journalist

Bill VaughanBy the time you're eighty years old you've learned everything. You only have to remember it.

—  Bill Vaughan, 1915-1977, American journalist

Ashleigh BrilliantI've learned so much from my failures that I'm thinking of having some more.

—  Ashleigh Brilliant, 1933-, British cartoonist & epigrammatist

  
  Sleep
Ronald ReaganI have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of a national emergency —even if I’m in a Cabinet meeting.

—  Ronald Reagan, 1911-2004, American President [1981-1989]

5 likes
Mitch HedbergI haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

—  Mitch Hedberg, 1968-2005, American comedian

4 likes
George CarlinThat's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

—  George Carlin, 1936-2008, American comedian

18 likes
Dave BarryNever under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

—  Dave Barry, 1947-, American journalist

6 likes
Rodney DangerfieldI asked my wife, “last night, were you faking it?” She said, “No, I was really sleeping.”

—  Rodney Dangerfield, 1924-2004, American comedian

9 likes
  
  Void
Woody AllenEternal nothingness is O.K. if you're dressed for it.

—  Woody Allen, 1935-, American actor & film director

4 likes
  
  Distance
Steven WrightEverywhere is walking distance if you've got the time.

—  Steven Wright, 1955-, American comedian

5 likes
Steve MartinBefore you criticize a man, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when you do criticize him, you’ll be a mile away and have his shoes.

—  Steve Martin, 1945-, American actor

4 likes
Doug LarsonIf all the cars in the United States were placed end to end, it would probably be Labor Day Weekend.

—  Doug Larson, 1926-2017, American columnist

2 likes
Bill VaughanOn the neck of a giraffe a flea begins to believe in immortality.

—  Bill Vaughan, 1915-1977, American journalist

  
  Proximity
George CarlinAt a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

—  George Carlin, 1936-2008, American comedian

6 likes
  
  Mirror
Phyllis DillerYou know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!

—  Phyllis Diller, 1917-2012, American comedian

4 likes
  
  Holes
George CarlinI wanted to get a job as a gynecologist, but I couldn't find an opening.

—  George Carlin, 1936-2008, American comedian

10 likes
  
  Absence
Woody AllenIt’s not that I’m afraid to die. I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

—  Woody Allen, 1935-, American actor & film director

8 likes
Ashleigh BrilliantSometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence.

—  Ashleigh Brilliant, 1933-, British cartoonist & epigrammatist

5 likes
  
  Housework
Phyllis DillerCleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.

—  Phyllis Diller, 1917-2012, American comedian

4 likes
Phyllis DillerI've buried a lot of my laundry in the back yard

—  Phyllis Diller, 1917-2012, American comedian

2 likes
Phyllis DillerHousework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

—  Phyllis Diller, 1917-2012, American comedian

3 likes
Zsa Zsa GaborI am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house.

—  Zsa Zsa Gabor, 1917-2016, Hungarian-American actress

3 likes
  
  House
George CarlinA house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.

—  George Carlin, 1936-2008, American comedian

7 likes
Zsa Zsa GaborI am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house.

—  Zsa Zsa Gabor, 1917-2016, Hungarian-American actress

3 likes
  
  Similarity
Salvador DaliThe reason some portraits don't look true to life is that some people make no effort to resemble their pictures.

—  Salvador Dali, 1904-1989, Spanish painter

  
  Injustice
George CarlinIt isn’t fair: the caterpillar does all the work, and the butterfly gets all the glory.

—  George Carlin, 1936-2008, American comedian

11 likes
  
  Opposites
Henri JeansonCapitalism is the exploitation of man by man, while Marxism is the opposite.

—  Henri Jeanson, 1900-1970, French critic & columnist

8 likes
  
  Contradictions
George CarlinHow come when it’s us, it’s an abortion, and when it’s a chicken, it’s an omelette?

—  George Carlin, 1936-2008, American comedian

13 likes
Steven WrightI think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

—  Steven Wright, 1955-, American comedian

6 likes
  
  New
Sam GoldwynWhat we need now is some new, fresh clichés.

—  Sam Goldwyn, 1879-1974, American film producer

4 likes
Phyllis DillerI asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'

—  Phyllis Diller, 1917-2012, American comedian

3 likes
  
  Confusion
Albert EinsteinThe hardest thing in the world to understand is income taxes.

—  Albert Einstein, 1879-1955, German-Jewish physicist

6 likes
  
  Relativity
George CarlinSome people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty. I see a glass that's twice as big as it needs to be.

—  George Carlin, 1936-2008, American comedian

24 likes
Rodney DangerfieldI found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.

—  Rodney Dangerfield, 1924-2004, American comedian

3 likes
  
  Excess
Mark TwainThe report of my death was an exaggeration.

—  Mark Twain, 1835-1910, American writer

6 likes
Frank SinatraIf I had as many love affairs as I've been given credit for, I'd be in a jar at the Harvard Medical School.

—  Frank Sinatra, 1915-1998, American singer

  
  Rules
Somerset MaughamThere are three rules for writing the novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.

—  Somerset Maugham, 1874-1965, British writer

2 likes
Bill VaughanThe Four Rules of Life: 1. Show Up 2. Pay Attention 3.Tell the Truth 4. Don't be upset at the results.

—  Bill Vaughan, 1915-1977, American journalist

Ashleigh BrilliantLife is the only game in which the object of the game is to learn the rules.

—  Ashleigh Brilliant, 1933-, British cartoonist & epigrammatist

  

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Laughing

relevant quote
There is nothing in which people more betray their character than in what they laugh at.
Goethe
 

2024: Manolis Papathanassiou