| Ego | |
 | My father always wanted to be the corpse at every funeral, the bride at every wedding and the baby at every christening. — Alice Roosevelt Longworth, 1884-1980, daughter of Theodore Roosevelt 7 likes |
| Face | |
 | If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one? — Abraham Lincoln, 1809-1865, American President 8 likes |
 | I never forget a face, but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception. — Groucho Marx, 1890-1977, American comedian 6 likes |
| Character | |
 | Nothing spoils fun like finding out it builds character. — Bill Watterson, 1958-, American cartoonist 2 likes |
| Soul | |
 | I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me. — Woody Allen, 1935-, American actor & film director 3 likes |
| Mind | |
| My brain: it's my second favorite organ. — Woody Allen, 1935-, American actor & film director 2 likes |
 | What's on your mind, if you will allow the overstatement. — Fred Allen, 1894-1956, American comedian 2 likes |
 | The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office. — Robert Frost, 1874-1963, American poet 2 likes |
 | If we really stuck with the classic Greek priorities, a sound mind in a sound body, the only two places we'd ever go is to a library or a gym. |
 | I want to reach your mind where is it currently located? — Ashleigh Brilliant, 1933-, British cartoonist & epigrammatist |
| Names | |
 | The astronomers must have been very clever to have found out the names of all the stars. — Anonymous (from the book “The Physics Teacher”, Volume 8, 1970) 6 likes |
 | This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest. — Henry Youngman, 1906-1998, American comedian 3 likes |
| Self-deprecation | |
| I don’t want to belong to any club that will accept people like me as a member. — Groucho Marx, 1890-1977, American comedian 7 likes |
| I'm not really the heroic type. I was beat up by Quakers. — Woody Allen, 1935-, American actor & film director 2 likes |
 | On my way here I passed a local cinema and it turns out you were expecting me after all, for the billboards read: “The Mummy Returns”. — Margaret Thatcher, 1925-2013, British Prime Minister 2 likes |
| I hope I can settle my internal conflicts without bloodshed. — Ashleigh Brilliant, 1933-, British cartoonist & epigrammatist |
| Perspective | |
 | Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? — George Carlin, 1936-2008, American comedian 16 likes |
| Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty. I see a glass that's twice as big as it needs to be. — George Carlin, 1936-2008, American comedian 25 likes |
| Optimism | |
| Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty. I see a glass that's twice as big as it needs to be. — George Carlin, 1936-2008, American comedian 25 likes |
| Illusions | |
| I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it. — George Carlin, 1936-2008, American comedian 15 likes |
| Ancestry | |
 | I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it. — Rodney Dangerfield, 1924-2004, American comedian 5 likes |
| Memory | |
 | Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film. — Steven Wright, 1955-, American comedian 3 likes |
| Forgetting | |
| I never forget a face, but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception. — Groucho Marx, 1890-1977, American comedian 6 likes |
| Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before. — Steven Wright, 1955-, American comedian 6 likes |
 | First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down. — George Burns, 1896-1996, American comedian 6 likes |
| I always have trouble remembering three things: faces, names, and - I can't remember what the third thing is. — Fred Allen, 1894-1956, American comedian 3 likes |
| Laughter | |
| From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend on reading it. — Groucho Marx, 1890-1977, American comedian 4 likes |
 | Laugh, and the world laughs with you. Weep, an' it keeps on laughin'. |
| Smile | |
| If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work. — George Carlin, 1936-2008, American comedian 8 likes |
| If you haven't seen your wife smile at a traffic cop, you haven't seen her smile her prettiest. |
| Smell | |
 | Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon. — Doug Larson, 1926-2017, American columnist 3 likes |
| Clothes | |
 | My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero? — Mitch Hedberg, 1968-2005, American comedian 3 likes |
 | Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing. — Dave Barry, 1947-, American journalist 5 likes |
 | Sweater, n.: garment worn by child when its mother is feeling chilly. — Ambrose Bierce, 1842–1914, American writer 4 likes |
 | The reason women don't play football is because eleven of them would never wear the same outfit in public. — Phyllis Diller, 1917-2012, American comedian 5 likes |
| My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home. — Rodney Dangerfield, 1924-2004, American comedian 6 likes |
 | It was like being in a Jane Austen novel, but one with far less clothing. — Terry Pratchett, 1948-2015, British writer 3 likes |
| Appearance | |
 | A hippie is someone who looks like Tarzan, walks like Jane and smells like Cheetah. — Ronald Reagan, 1911-2004, American President [1981-1989] 5 likes |
 | Some folks look at me and see a certain swagger, which in Texas is called “walking.” — George W. Bush, 1946-, American President 3 likes |
 | If we could see how women would look twenty years later, we would not marry them twenty years before. — Georges Feydeau, 1862-1921, French playwright 9 likes |
| He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle. — Alice Roosevelt Longworth, 1884-1980, daughter of Theodore Roosevelt (on US president Calvin Coolidge) 2 likes |
 | High heels were invented by a woman who was always kissed on the forehead! |
| Beauty | |
 | There are women who are not beautiful but only look that way. — Karl Kraus, 1874-1936, Austrian writer 5 likes |
| I spent seven hours in a beauty shop... and that was for the estimate. — Phyllis Diller, 1917-2012, American comedian 3 likes |
| Ugliness | |
| My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too. — Rodney Dangerfield, 1924-2004, American comedian 10 likes |
| When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother. — Rodney Dangerfield, 1924-2004, American comedian 4 likes |
| You look like a talent scout for a cemetery. — Henry Youngman, 1906-1998, American comedian 4 likes |
| I’m so ugly - my father carries around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet. — Rodney Dangerfield, 1924-2004, American comedian 4 likes |
| This girl was ugly. They used her in prisons to cure sex offenders. — Rodney Dangerfield, 1924-2004, American comedian 3 likes |
| Body | |
| If we really stuck with the classic Greek priorities, a sound mind in a sound body, the only two places we'd ever go is to a library or a gym. |
| Taste | |
| English coffee tastes like water that has been squeezed out of a wet sleeve. — Fred Allen, 1894-1956, American comedian 3 likes |
| Overweight | |
| I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people. — Rodney Dangerfield, 1924-2004, American comedian 3 likes |
 | Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle. — Bob Hope, 1903-2003, American comedian 5 likes |
 | My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people. |
| Health | |
 | Dick Cheney said he was running again. He said his health was fine, “I've got a doctor with me 24 hours a day.” Yeah, that's always the sign of a man in good health, isn't it? — Dave Letterman, 1947-, American TV talk show host 4 likes |
 | The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not. — Mark Twain, 1835-1910, American writer 8 likes |
| I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol. — Steven Wright, 1955-, American comedian 2 likes |
| My struggle to remain healthy is gradually killing me. — Ashleigh Brilliant, 1933-, British cartoonist & epigrammatist |
| Blood | |
| You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type. — Phyllis Diller, 1917-2012, American comedian 5 likes |
| Psychology | |
 | Anyone who would go to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined! — Sam Goldwyn, 1879-1974, American film producer 4 likes |
| Habit | |
| I’ll give up my bad habits as soon as equally satisfying good habits become available. — Ashleigh Brilliant, 1933-, British cartoonist & epigrammatist |
| Luck & Chance | |
 | I think we consider too much the luck of the early bird and not enough the bad luck of the early worm. — Franklin Roosevelt, 1882-1945, American President [1936-1945] 7 likes |
| Nudity | |
 | It's not true that I had nothing on. I had the radio on. — Marilyn Monroe, 1926-1962, American actress 9 likes |
| If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked? — George Carlin, 1936-2008, American comedian 10 likes |
| My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light. — Rodney Dangerfield, 1924-2004, American comedian 6 likes |
| When I go to a nude beach, I always take a ruler, just in case I have to prove something. — Rodney Dangerfield, 1924-2004, American comedian 4 likes |
| One day as I came home early from work, I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, “Hey buddy, why are you doing that?” He said, “Because you came home early.” — Rodney Dangerfield, 1924-2004, American comedian 8 likes |
| I’m the only topless octogenarian in Washington. — Alice Roosevelt Longworth, 1884-1980, daughter of Theodore Roosevelt 2 likes |
| Hair | |
| If Dracula can't see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed? — Steven Wright, 1955-, American comedian 4 likes |
 | You’re only as good as your last haircut. — Fran Lebowitz, 1951-, American journalist & writer 2 likes |
| Never trust a man who combs his hair straight from his left armpit. — Alice Roosevelt Longworth, 1884-1980, daughter of Theodore Roosevelt (on General MacArthur) 2 likes |
| Preferences | |
| We'd all like to vote for the best man but he's never a candidate. |
| Excitement | |
| The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. — George Carlin, 1936-2008, American comedian 13 likes |
| Astonishment | |
| I have written a book. This will come as quite a shock to some. They didn't think I could read, much less write. — George W. Bush, 1946-, American President 4 likes |
| Surprise | |
| Inside every old person is a young person wondering what happened. — Terry Pratchett, 1948-2015, British writer 8 likes |
| Disappointment | |
| A girl phoned me the other day and said, “Come on over. There's nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home. — Rodney Dangerfield, 1924-2004, American comedian 6 likes |
| Fear | |
| A lot of people are afraid of heights; not me, I'm afraid of widths. — Steven Wright, 1955-, American comedian 4 likes |
| Timidity | |
| I read that the number one fear of the average person is public speaking … Number two was death. To me, that means that, to the average person, if you were going to be at a funeral, you would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy. |
| Value | |
 | When shit becomes valuable, the poor will be born without assholes. |
| Ability | |
 | If one morning I walked on top of the water across the Potomac River, the headline that afternoon would read “President Can't Swim”. — Lyndon Johnson, 1908-1973, American President [1963-1969] 4 likes |
| Talent | |
| You look like a talent scout for a cemetery. — Henry Youngman, 1906-1998, American comedian 4 likes |
| Ed Sullivan will be around as long as someone else has talent. — Fred Allen, 1894-1956, American comedian 2 likes |
| Genius | |
| People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don’t realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world. — Bill Watterson, 1958-, American cartoonist 6 likes |
| Some believe that genius is inherited. The others have no children. |
| Intelligence | |
| The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions. — George Carlin, 1936-2008, American comedian 18 likes |
| Skills | |
 | A lot of fellows nowadays have a B.A., M.D., or Ph.D. Unfortunately, they don’t have a J.O.B. — Fats Domino, 1928-2017, American singer & pianist 6 likes |
| Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring… “How to Build a Boat.” — Steven Wright, 1955-, American comedian 7 likes |
| I didn't mind being a public executioner, once I got the hang of it. — Ashleigh Brilliant, 1933-, British cartoonist & epigrammatist 4 likes |
| Understanding | |
 | Everything has been figured out, except how to live. — Jean-Paul Sartre, 1905-1980, French philosopher 7 likes |
| Bravery | |
| As soon as someone is identified as an unsung hero, he no longer is. — George Carlin, 1936-2008, American comedian 8 likes |
| Self-knowledge | |
| Having failed to conquer myself, my best hope now is to arrange an alliance with myself. — Ashleigh Brilliant, 1933-, British cartoonist & epigrammatist |
| Honesty | |
| Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy. — George Carlin, 1936-2008, American comedian 14 likes |
| Responsibility | |
| Life's a lot more fun when you're not responsible for your actions. — Bill Watterson, 1958-, American cartoonist 3 likes |
| Humility | |
| You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors! — Phyllis Diller, 1917-2012, American comedian 5 likes |
| Patience | |
 | You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance. |
| Excellence | |
| Accomplishing the impossible means only the boss will add it to your regular duties. — Doug Larson, 1926-2017, American columnist 5 likes |
| Laziness | |
| I tell ya, my dog is lazy. He don’t chase cars. He sits on the curb and takes down license plate numbers. — Rodney Dangerfield, 1924-2004, American comedian 4 likes |
| Sin | |
 | If God doesn't destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology. — Jay Leno, 1950-, American TV host 7 likes |
| Vanity | |
 | God is dead. Marx is dead. And I don’t feel so well myself. — Eugene Ionesco, 1912-1994, French-Romanian playwright 6 likes |
| Some movie stars wear their sunglasses even in church. They're afraid God might recognize them and ask for autographs. — Fred Allen, 1894-1956, American comedian 4 likes |
| Stupidity | |
| User: the word computer professionals use when they mean “idiot.” — Dave Barry, 1947-, American journalist 8 likes |
| I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War my great uncle fought for the West. — Rodney Dangerfield, 1924-2004, American comedian 8 likes |
| Ineffectiveness | |
| I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder. — Steven Wright, 1955-, American comedian 7 likes |
 | Egypt: Where the Israelites would still be if Moses had been a bureaucrat. — Laurence J Peter, 1919-1990, Canadian writer & educator 3 likes |
| Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope. — George Burns, 1896-1996, American comedian 5 likes |
| A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing, but who, as a group, can meet and decide that nothing can be done. — Fred Allen, 1894-1956, American comedian 6 likes |
| God put me on this earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now I am so far behind that I will never die. — Bill Watterson, 1958-, American cartoonist 2 likes |
| Incompetence | |
| The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall. — Mitch Hedberg, 1968-2005, American comedian 6 likes |
| The next time I send a damn fool for something, I go myself. — Sam Goldwyn, 1879-1974, American film producer 3 likes |
| If you can’t control your peanut butter, you can’t expect to control your life. — Bill Watterson, 1958-, American cartoonist 2 likes |
| It's going to be fun to watch and see how long the meek can keep the earth once they inherit it. |
| Mediocrity | |
| Unlike most other people, I'm just an average person. — Ashleigh Brilliant, 1933-, British cartoonist & epigrammatist |
| Greed | |
| You can't have everything ... where would you put it. — Steven Wright, 1955-, American comedian 6 likes |
| Difficult people | |
| The worst-tempered people I have ever met were those who knew that they were wrong. — Dave Letterman, 1947-, American TV talk show host 6 likes |
| Madness | |
| I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous, everyone hasn’t met me yet. — Rodney Dangerfield, 1924-2004, American comedian 5 likes |
 | Victor Hugo was a madman who thought he was Victor Hugo. — Jean Cocteau, 1889-1963, French artist 2 likes |
| Gullibility | |
| For every little kid who still believes in Santa Claus, there is at least one adult who still believes in professional wrestling. — Doug Larson, 1926-2017, American columnist 5 likes |
| Cowardice | |
 | I'm a hero with coward's legs. — Spike Milligan, 1918-2002, Irish comedian 4 likes |
| I'm not really the heroic type. I was beat up by Quakers. — Woody Allen, 1935-, American actor & film director 2 likes |
| Fanaticism | |
| The problem with writing about religion is that you run the risk of offending sincerely religious people, and then they come after you with machetes. — Dave Barry, 1947-, American journalist 11 likes |
| Wickedness | |
| Witch, n. (1) An ugly and repulsive old woman, in a wicked league with the devil. (2) A beautiful and attractive young woman, in wickedness a league beyond the devil. — Ambrose Bierce, 1842–1914, American writer 7 likes |
| Hypocrisy | |
| If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one? — Abraham Lincoln, 1809-1865, American President 8 likes |
| If you haven't seen your wife smile at a traffic cop, you haven't seen her smile her prettiest. |
| Indifference | |
| People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think. — George Carlin, 1936-2008, American comedian 5 likes |
| Do you believe in apathy at first sight? — Ashleigh Brilliant, 1933-, British cartoonist & epigrammatist |
| If you keep groaning, please do it to a rhythm I can dance to. — Ashleigh Brilliant, 1933-, British cartoonist & epigrammatist 3 likes |
| Inaction | |
| I don't like to meddle in my private affairs. — Karl Kraus, 1874-1936, Austrian writer 2 likes |
 | The man who dies by drowning sees his whole life pass by in a flash, when it would be better to just swim. |
| I am so busy doing nothing… that the idea of doing anything – which as you know, always leads to something – cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything. |
| Boring | |
| Don't you hate “To Be Continued”s on TV? I mean the whole reason you watch a TV show is because it ends. If I wanted a long, boring story with no point to it, I've got my life. |
| Unworthiness | |
| A committee is a group of the unprepared, appointed by the unwilling to do the unnecessary. — Fred Allen, 1894-1956, American comedian 2 likes |
| He’s out of his depth on a wet pavement. |
| She said I wasn’t sponge-worthy. Wouldn’t waste a sponge on me. |
| Belittling | |
 | The profession of book-writing makes horse-racing seem like a solid, stable business. |
| They misunderestimated me. — George W. Bush, 1946-, American President 7 likes |
| Annoyance | |
| I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. — Fred Allen, 1894-1956, American comedian 3 likes |
| If Roosevelt were alive today, he’d turn over in his grave. — Sam Goldwyn, 1879-1974, American film producer 3 likes |
 | Those people who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do. — Isaac Asimov, 1920-1992, American Sci-Fi writer 21 likes |
 | Mondays are fine. It’s your life that sucks. — Ricky Gervais, 1961-, British comedian & screenwriter 8 likes |
| Obsession | |
| What is this obsession people have with books? They put them in their houses — like they’re trophies. What do you need it for after you read it? |
| Despite | |
| He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle. — Alice Roosevelt Longworth, 1884-1980, daughter of Theodore Roosevelt (on US president Calvin Coolidge) 2 likes |
| Scoundrels & Villains | |
 | A criminal is a person with predatory instincts without sufficient capital to form a corporation. — Howard Scott, 1890-1970, American engineer 11 likes |
| Mockery | |
| This morning, when I put on my underwear, I could hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys laughing at me. — Rodney Dangerfield, 1924-2004, American comedian 2 likes |
| They laughed at Edison and Einstein, but somehow I still feel uncomfortable when they laugh at me. — Ashleigh Brilliant, 1933-, British cartoonist & epigrammatist |
| Suspicion | |
| If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work. — George Carlin, 1936-2008, American comedian 8 likes |
| Disbelief | |
 | I don't believe in astrology; I'm a Sagittarius and we're skeptical. — Arthur Clarke, 1917-2008, British Sci-Fi writer 14 likes |
| Absurdity | |
| You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar. — George Carlin, 1936-2008, American comedian 9 likes |
| America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked. — Dave Letterman, 1947-, American TV talk show host 6 likes |
| Disliking | |
| I do not like work even when someone else is doing it. — Mark Twain, 1835-1910, American writer 3 likes |
| California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange. — Fred Allen, 1894-1956, American comedian 2 likes |
| I don’t think my family liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib. — Woody Allen, 1935-, American actor & film director 2 likes |
 | They say a tie is like kissing your sister. I guess that is better than kissing your brother. — Lou Holtz, 1937-, American football coach 3 likes |
| I have seen the future! Go back! — Ashleigh Brilliant, 1933-, British cartoonist & epigrammatist |
| Understanding people | |
| I want to reach your mind where is it currently located? — Ashleigh Brilliant, 1933-, British cartoonist & epigrammatist |
| Criticism | |
| Critics are eunuchs at a gang bang. — George Burns, 1896-1996, American comedian 4 likes |
 | Before you criticize a man, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when you do criticize him, you’ll be a mile away and have his shoes. — Steve Martin, 1945-, American actor 4 likes |
| Doubt | |
 | Take it with a grin of salt. — Yogi Berra, 1925-2015, American baseball player & humorist 2 likes |
| Deception | |
| If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work. — George Carlin, 1936-2008, American comedian 8 likes |
| This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest. — Henry Youngman, 1906-1998, American comedian 3 likes |
| Explanations | |
| Religion, n. A daughter of Hope and Fear, explaining to Ignorance the nature of the Unknowable. — Ambrose Bierce, 1842–1914, American writer 9 likes |
| Anger | |
| Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. — Steven Wright, 1955-, American comedian 3 likes |
| Running away | |
| A good friend is worth pursuing but why would a good friend be running away? — Ashleigh Brilliant, 1933-, British cartoonist & epigrammatist |
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