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The Best Quotations

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Funny Quotes

Laughable quotes, short jokes, one-liners, humorous sayings.

page 4 of 6

  Government
Ronald ReaganGovernment is like a baby: an alimentary canal with a big appetite at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other.

—  Ronald Reagan, 1911-2004, American President [1981-1989]

4 likes
Charles de GaulleHow can you govern a country which has two hundred and forty-six varieties of cheese?

—  Charles de Gaulle, 1890-1970, French President

6 likes
Woody AllenI believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it’s the government.

—  Woody Allen, 1935-, American actor & film director

2 likes
P.J. O’ RourkeGiving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.

—  P.J. O’ Rourke, 1947-2022, American columnist & writer

  
  Justice
Robert FrostA jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer.

—  Robert Frost, 1874-1963, American poet

4 likes
  
  Laws
Fred AllenI learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back.

—  Fred Allen, 1894-1956, American comedian

2 likes
Ashleigh BrilliantWhat I need is a lawyer who specializes in the law of the jungle.

—  Ashleigh Brilliant, 1933-, British cartoonist & epigrammatist

  
  Power
George CarlinI have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.

—  George Carlin, 1936-2008, American comedian

15 likes
Ashleigh BrilliantAll I want is a warm bed and a kind word and unlimited power.

—  Ashleigh Brilliant, 1933-, British cartoonist & epigrammatist

  
  Politics
George CarlinIn America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem.

—  George Carlin, 1936-2008, American comedian

24 likes
Rodney DangerfieldThe way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

—  Rodney Dangerfield, 1924-2004, American comedian

5 likes
Mark TwainPoliticians and diapers must be changed often, and for the same reason.

—  Mark Twain, 1835-1910, American writer

17 likes
Ronald ReaganIt has been said that politics is the second oldest profession. I have learned that it bears a striking resemblance to the first.

—  Ronald Reagan, 1911-2004, American President [1981-1989]

13 likes
Ronald ReaganI have wondered at times what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the US Congress.

—  Ronald Reagan, 1911-2004, American President [1981-1989]

9 likes
George BurnsToo bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.

—  George Burns, 1896-1996, American comedian

4 likes
Will RogersEverything is changing. People are taking the comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke.

—  Will Rogers, 1879-1935, American actor

7 likes
P.J. O’ RourkePoliticians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from things they don't understand, such as working for a living.

—  P.J. O’ Rourke, 1947-2022, American columnist & writer

P.J. O’ RourkeThe Democrats said, “We don't know what's wrong with America, but we can fix it.” The Republicans said, “There's nothing wrong with America, and we can fix that.”

—  P.J. O’ Rourke, 1947-2022, American columnist & writer

  
  Democracy
Ambrose BierceVote, v. The instrument and symbol of a freeman's power to make a fool of himself and a wreck of his country.

—  Ambrose Bierce, 1842–1914, American writer

2 likes
Kin HubbardThe election is not very far off when a candidate can recognize you across the street.

—  Kin Hubbard, 1868-1930, American cartoonist

Kin HubbardWe'd all like to vote for the best man but he's never a candidate.

—  Kin Hubbard, 1868-1930, American cartoonist

  
  Communism
AnonymousI am a Marxist —of the Groucho tendency.

—  Anonymous

5 likes
Ronald ReaganSocialism only works in two places: Heaven where they don't need it and hell where they already have it.

—  Ronald Reagan, 1911-2004, American President [1981-1989]

37 likes
Henri JeansonCapitalism is the exploitation of man by man, while Marxism is the opposite.

—  Henri Jeanson, 1900-1970, French critic & columnist

8 likes
  
  Patriotism
Bill VaughanA real patriot is the fellow who gets a parking ticket and rejoices that the system works.

—  Bill Vaughan, 1915-1977, American journalist

  
  Noncompliance
Steven WrightI got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one – it wasn’t doing what I was doing.

—  Steven Wright, 1955-, American comedian

6 likes
Bill VaughanIf there is anything the nonconformist hates worse than a conformist, it's another nonconformist who doesn't conform to the prevailing standard of nonconformity.

—  Bill Vaughan, 1915-1977, American journalist

  
  Violence
George CarlinIf you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.

—  George Carlin, 1936-2008, American comedian

11 likes
Fred AllenMy father never raised his hand to any one of his children, except in self-defense.

—  Fred Allen, 1894-1956, American comedian

5 likes
Rodney DangerfieldI came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it.

—  Rodney Dangerfield, 1924-2004, American comedian

5 likes
  
  Crime
Woody AllenI think crime pays. The hours are good, you meet a lot of interesting people, you travel a lot.

—  Woody Allen, 1935-, American actor & film director

2 likes
  
  Murder
Woody AllenWhy does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage

—  Woody Allen, 1935-, American actor & film director

2 likes
  
  Cities
Fred AllenI have just returned from Boston. It is the only thing to do if you find yourself up there.

—  Fred Allen, 1894-1956, American comedian

2 likes
Lenny BruceMiami Beach is where neon goes to die.

—  Lenny Bruce, 1925-1966, American comedian

Bill VaughanSuburbia is where the developer bulldozes out the trees, then names the streets after them.

—  Bill Vaughan, 1915-1977, American journalist

  
  Crowds
Yogi BerraNo one goes there nowadays, it’s too crowded.

—  Yogi Berra, 1925-2015, American baseball player & humorist

4 likes
  
  War & Peace
Ambrose BierceWar is God's way of teaching Americans geography.

—  Ambrose Bierce, 1842–1914, American writer

2 likes
Rodney DangerfieldI come from a stupid family. During the Civil War my great uncle fought for the West.

—  Rodney Dangerfield, 1924-2004, American comedian

8 likes
Bill Watterson– How come we play war and not peace?
– Too few role models.

—  Bill Watterson, 1958-, American cartoonist

2 likes
Henri JeansonWithout the police, everyone would kill each other and there would be no more war.

—  Henri Jeanson, 1900-1970, French critic & columnist

  
  Arms & Weapons
Mae WestIs that a gun in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me?

—  Mae West, 1893-1980, American actress

     (said it in the film Sextette,1978, but already attributed to West since the 1930s)

7 likes
Dave BarryThe metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet.

—  Dave Barry, 1947-, American journalist

3 likes
  
  Diplomacy
Ashleigh BrilliantHaving failed to conquer myself, my best hope now is to arrange an alliance with myself.

—  Ashleigh Brilliant, 1933-, British cartoonist & epigrammatist

  
  British
Franklin P. JonesThe British have a remarkable talent for keeping calm, even when there is no crisis.

—  Franklin P. Jones, 1908-1980, American columnist

  
  Americans
George CarlinThe IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.

—  George Carlin, 1936-2008, American comedian

18 likes
George CarlinIn America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem.

—  George Carlin, 1936-2008, American comedian

24 likes
Dave BarryThe metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet.

—  Dave Barry, 1947-, American journalist

3 likes
Dave LettermanAmerica is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.

—  Dave Letterman, 1947-, American TV talk show host

6 likes
Ambrose BierceUn-American, adj. Wicked, intolerable, heathenish.

—  Ambrose Bierce, 1842–1914, American writer

3 likes
TalleyrandI found there a country with thirty-two religions and only one sauce.

—  Talleyrand, 1754-1838, French statesman & diplomat

43 likes
P.J. O’ RourkeThe Democrats said, “We don't know what's wrong with America, but we can fix it.” The Republicans said, “There's nothing wrong with America, and we can fix that.”

—  P.J. O’ Rourke, 1947-2022, American columnist & writer

  
  France
Mark TwainIn Paris they simply stared when I spoke to them in French; I never did succeed in making those idiots understand their language.

—  Mark Twain, 1835-1910, American writer

5 likes
  
  Jews
Laurence J PeterEgypt: Where the Israelites would still be if Moses had been a bureaucrat.

—  Laurence J Peter, 1919-1990, Canadian writer & educator

3 likes
Lenny BruceAlright, let’s admit it, we Jews killed Christ – but it was only for three days.

—  Lenny Bruce, 1925-1966, American comedian

  
  Russia
Woody AllenI took a course in speed reading, learning to read straight down the middle of the page, and I was able to go through War and Peace in 20 minutes. It’s about Russia.

—  Woody Allen, 1935-, American actor & film director

2 likes
  
  Communication
Sam GoldwynIf you have a message, call western union.

—  Sam Goldwyn, 1879-1974, American film producer

2 likes
Fred AllenRadio is called a medium because it is rare that anything is well done.

—  Fred Allen, 1894-1956, American comedian

3 likes
Ashleigh BrilliantWords are a wonderful form of communication, but they will never replace kisses and punches.

—  Ashleigh Brilliant, 1933-, British cartoonist & epigrammatist

Ashleigh BrilliantCommunication with the dead is only a little more difficult than communication with some of the living.

—  Ashleigh Brilliant, 1933-, British cartoonist & epigrammatist

Ashleigh BrilliantIf you think communication is all talking, you haven't been listening.

—  Ashleigh Brilliant, 1933-, British cartoonist & epigrammatist

  
  Information
George CarlinThe main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

—  George Carlin, 1936-2008, American comedian

13 likes
Alice Roosevelt LongworthIf you can't say something good about someone, sit right here by me.

—  Alice Roosevelt Longworth, 1884-1980, daughter of Theodore Roosevelt

5 likes
Maurice ChapelanAt the confessional, when a priest insists, we have reason to wonder if it is for the truth or for pleasure.

—  Maurice Chapelan, 1906-1992, French author of maxims & journalist

  
  Journalism
Karl KrausNewspapers have roughly the same relationship to life as fortune-tellers to metaphysics.

—  Karl Kraus, 1874-1936, Austrian writer

6 likes
Lyndon JohnsonIf one morning I walked on top of the water across the Potomac River, the headline that afternoon would read “President Can't Swim”.

—  Lyndon Johnson, 1908-1973, American President [1963-1969]

4 likes
  
  Photography
Mitch HedbergOne time, a guy handed me a picture and said, “Here’s a picture of me when I was younger.” Every picture of you is when you were younger.

—  Mitch Hedberg, 1968-2005, American comedian

4 likes
Steven WrightEveryone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.

—  Steven Wright, 1955-, American comedian

3 likes
Phyllis DillerMy photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.

—  Phyllis Diller, 1917-2012, American comedian

2 likes
Rodney DangerfieldI’m so ugly - my father carries around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

—  Rodney Dangerfield, 1924-2004, American comedian

4 likes
  
  Television
Groucho MarxI find television very educational. Every time someone switches it on I go into another room and read a good book.

—  Groucho Marx, 1890-1977, American comedian

4 likes
Jerry SeinfeldMen don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

—  Jerry Seinfeld, 1954-, American comedian

4 likes
George CarlinIn TV today, you can say I pricked my finger, but you can't say it the other way around.

—  George Carlin, 1936-2008, American comedian

3 likes
Kurt VonnegutOne of the few good things about modern times: If you die horribly on television, you will not have died in vain. You will have entertained us.

—  Kurt Vonnegut, 1922-2007, American writer

5 likes
Fred AllenImitation is the sincerest form of television.

—  Fred Allen, 1894-1956, American comedian

2 likes
Fred AllenTelevision is a medium because anything well done is rare.

—  Fred Allen, 1894-1956, American comedian

2 likes
Fred AllenTelevision is a device that permits people who haven't anything to do to watch people who can't do anything.

—  Fred Allen, 1894-1956, American comedian

3 likes
Jerry SeinfeldDon't you hate “To Be Continued”s on TV? I mean the whole reason you watch a TV show is because it ends. If I wanted a long, boring story with no point to it, I've got my life.

—  Jerry Seinfeld, 1954-, American comedian

Jerry SeinfeldNeat and clean. That's the way I want to live. My idea of the perfect living room would be the bridge on the Starship Enterprise: big chair, nice TV, remote control. That's why Star Trek really was the ultimate male fantasy. Hurtling through space in your living room, watching TV.

—  Jerry Seinfeld, 1954-, American comedian

  
  Advertisement
Mitch HedbergWhen someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.

—  Mitch Hedberg, 1968-2005, American comedian

5 likes
Fred AllenAn advertising agency is 85 percent confusion and 15 percent commission.

—  Fred Allen, 1894-1956, American comedian

2 likes
  
  Questions
Woody AllenI don't know the question, but sex is definitely the answer.

—  Woody Allen, 1935-, American actor & film director

4 likes
Charles de GaulleGentlemen, I am ready for the questions to my answers.

—  Charles de Gaulle, 1890-1970, French President

4 likes
George CarlinWhen will all the rhetorical questions end?

—  George Carlin, 1936-2008, American comedian

3 likes
Woody AllenLove is the answer. But while you're waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions.

—  Woody Allen, 1935-, American actor & film director

8 likes
Ashleigh BrilliantMy computer must be broken: whenever I ask a wrong question, it gives a wrong answer.

—  Ashleigh Brilliant, 1933-, British cartoonist & epigrammatist

  
  Truth & Lies
Yogi BerraI never said most of the things I said.

—  Yogi Berra, 1925-2015, American baseball player & humorist

4 likes
Gabriel Garcia MarquezFiction was invented the day Jonas arrived home and told his wife that he was three days late because he had been swallowed by a whale.

—  Gabriel Garcia Marquez, 1927-2014, Colombian writer

  
  Words
Gore VidalThe four most beautiful words in our common language: I told you so.

—  Gore Vidal, 1925-2012, American writer

4 likes
Steven WrightWhat’s another word for Thesaurus?

—  Steven Wright, 1955-, American comedian

2 likes
Ashleigh BrilliantWords are a wonderful form of communication, but they will never replace kisses and punches.

—  Ashleigh Brilliant, 1933-, British cartoonist & epigrammatist

  
  Language
Mark TwainIn Paris they simply stared when I spoke to them in French; I never did succeed in making those idiots understand their language.

—  Mark Twain, 1835-1910, American writer

5 likes
Marlen DietrichIn language gender is particularly confusing. Why, please, should a table be male in German, female in French, and castrated in English?

—  Marlen Dietrich, 1901-1992, German-American actress

2 likes
Richard LedererLet’s face it, English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.

—  Richard Lederer, 1938-, American writer

Franklin P. JonesIt's a strange world of language in which skating on thin ice can get you into hot water.

—  Franklin P. Jones, 1908-1980, American columnist

  
  Knowledge
AnonymousAn expert is someone who knows more and more about less and less, until eventually he knows everything about nothing.

—  Anonymous

5 likes
Isaac AsimovThose people who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.

—  Isaac Asimov, 1920-1992, American Sci-Fi writer

21 likes
  
  Dance
Ashleigh BrilliantIf you keep groaning, please do it to a rhythm I can dance to.

—  Ashleigh Brilliant, 1933-, British cartoonist & epigrammatist

3 likes
  
  Art
Steven WrightI went to a museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.

—  Steven Wright, 1955-, American comedian

3 likes
  
  Painting
Ambrose BiercePainting: The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather and exposing them to the critic.

—  Ambrose Bierce, 1842–1914, American writer

2 likes
Bill WattersonVan Gogh would've sold more than one painting if he'd put tigers in them.

—  Bill Watterson, 1958-, American cartoonist

2 likes
Salvador DaliThe reason some portraits don't look true to life is that some people make no effort to resemble their pictures.

—  Salvador Dali, 1904-1989, Spanish painter

  
  Colors
Rodney DangerfieldWe were poor. We were so poor, in my neighborhood the rainbow was in black-and-white.

—  Rodney Dangerfield, 1924-2004, American comedian

2 likes
  
  Music
Robert BenchleyOpera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.

—  Robert Benchley, 1889-1945, American columnist

4 likes
George CarlinThe only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.

—  George Carlin, 1936-2008, American comedian

14 likes
Woody AllenI can't listen to that much Wagner. I start getting the urge to conquer Poland.

—  Woody Allen, 1935-, American actor & film director

4 likes
Mitch HedbergI remixed a remix, it was back to normal.

—  Mitch Hedberg, 1968-2005, American comedian

2 likes
  
  Imagination
Karl KrausA woman is, occasionally, quite a serviceable substitute for masturbation. It takes an abundance of imagination, to be sure.

—  Karl Kraus, 1874-1936, Austrian writer

6 likes
  
  Literature
Terry PratchettDickens, as you know, never got round to starting his home page.

—  Terry Pratchett, 1948-2015, British writer

Gabriel Garcia MarquezFiction was invented the day Jonas arrived home and told his wife that he was three days late because he had been swallowed by a whale.

—  Gabriel Garcia Marquez, 1927-2014, Colombian writer

  
  Poetry
Steven WrightI was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

—  Steven Wright, 1955-, American comedian

4 likes
G. K. ChestertonPoets have been mysteriously silent on the subject of cheese.

—  G. K. Chesterton, 1874-1936, English writer & critic

3 likes
  
  Writing
Steven WrightI'm writing an unauthorized autobiography

—  Steven Wright, 1955-, American comedian

4 likes
Wilson MiznerTo steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

—  Wilson Mizner, 1876-1913, American playwright

3 likes
Somerset MaughamThere are three rules for writing the novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.

—  Somerset Maugham, 1874-1965, British writer

2 likes
Mitch HedbergIf I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn’t type any slower.

—  Mitch Hedberg, 1968-2005, American comedian

2 likes
John SteinbeckThe profession of book-writing makes horse-racing seem like a solid, stable business.

—  John Steinbeck, 1902-1968, American writer, Nobel 1962

  
  Books
Groucho MarxFrom the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend on reading it.

—  Groucho Marx, 1890-1977, American comedian

4 likes
Woody AllenI took a course in speed reading, learning to read straight down the middle of the page, and I was able to go through War and Peace in 20 minutes. It’s about Russia.

—  Woody Allen, 1935-, American actor & film director

2 likes
Fred AllenI can't understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.

—  Fred Allen, 1894-1956, American comedian

2 likes
Arthur ClarkeNo trilogy should have more than four books.

—  Arthur Clarke, 1917-2008, British Sci-Fi writer

3 likes
George W. BushI have written a book. This will come as quite a shock to some. They didn't think I could read, much less write.

—  George W. Bush, 1946-, American President

4 likes
Steven WrightI wrote a few children’s books… not on purpose.

—  Steven Wright, 1955-, American comedian

2 likes
Rodney DangerfieldI bought a book, “How to make it big.”
I got ripped off. It was about money.

—  Rodney Dangerfield, 1924-2004, American comedian

3 likes
Steven WrightSomeone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring… “How to Build a Boat.”

—  Steven Wright, 1955-, American comedian

7 likes
Jerry SeinfeldWhat is this obsession people have with books? They put them in their houses — like they’re trophies. What do you need it for after you read it?

—  Jerry Seinfeld, 1954-, American comedian

Ashleigh BrilliantWhat's most interesting about some books is the question: How did this crap ever get published?

—  Ashleigh Brilliant, 1933-, British cartoonist & epigrammatist

4 likes
P.J. O’ RourkeAlways read something that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.

—  P.J. O’ Rourke, 1947-2022, American columnist & writer

  
  Quotations
AnonymousThere's an old proverb that says just about whatever you want it to.

—  Anonymous

4 likes
  
  Mathematics
Marcel AchardWomen have a passion for mathematics. They divide their age in half, double the price of their clothes, and always add at least five years to the age of their best friend.

—  Marcel Achard, 1899-1974, French playwright

  
  History
Jerry SeinfeldMaybe comets killed the dinosaurs, maybe they tripped and fell. What's the difference? We'll never know. We couldn't solve the Kennedy Assassination, we had films of that. Good luck with the Stegosaurus.

—  Jerry Seinfeld, 1954-, American comedian

  
  Mythology
Ambrose BierceBacchus, n. A convenient deity invented by the ancients as an excuse for getting drunk.

—  Ambrose Bierce, 1842–1914, American writer

3 likes
  
  Thinking
George CarlinI think I am, therefore, I am. I think.

—  George Carlin, 1936-2008, American comedian

10 likes
  
  Philosophy
Kurt Vonnegut"To be is to do" - Socrates
"To do is to be" - Sartre
"Do Be Do Be Do" - Sinatra

—  Kurt Vonnegut, 1922-2007, American writer

7 likes
Terry PratchettHis philosophy was a mixture of three famous schools – the Cynics, the Stoics and the Epicureans – and summed up all three of them in his famous phrase, “You can't trust any bugger further than you can throw him, and there's nothing you can do about it, so let's have a drink.”

—  Terry Pratchett, 1948-2015, British writer

  
  Theory
Yogi BerraIn theory there is no difference between theory and practice; in practice there is.

—  Yogi Berra, 1925-2015, American baseball player & humorist

4 likes
  
  Hypotheses
Steven WrightIf warm air rises, Heaven could be hotter than Hell.

—  Steven Wright, 1955-, American comedian

6 likes
Jay LenoIf God had wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates.

—  Jay Leno, 1950-, American TV host

3 likes
Mark TwainIf Christ were here, there is one thing he would not be—a Christian.

—  Mark Twain, 1835-1910, American writer

23 likes
Yogi BerraYou wouldn’t have won if we’d beaten you.

—  Yogi Berra, 1925-2015, American baseball player & humorist

3 likes
  
  Morality
AnonymousIf electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

—  Anonymous

5 likes
  

page 4 of 6







Laughing

relevant quote
There is nothing in which people more betray their character than in what they laugh at.
Goethe
 

2024: Manolis Papathanassiou