Quotes by
Steven Wright |
1955- , American comedian
American comedian, actor, writer, and an Oscar-winning film producer. He is known for his distinctly lethargic voice and slow, deadpan delivery of ironic, philosophical, and sometimes nonsensical jokes. | 41 quotes | 5,319 visits |
Funny Quotes
| • | I tried to hang myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying. 17 |
| • | If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation? 13 |
| • | Drink 'til she's cute, but stop before the wedding. 11 |
| • | I intend to live forever. So far, so good. 9 |
| • | The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, “where the hell is my roof?” 8 |
| • | I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder. 8 |
| • | If warm air rises, Heaven could be hotter than Hell. 8 |
| • | I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly. 8 |
| • | Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring… “How to Build a Boat.” 8 |
| • | Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before. 7 |
| • | Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. 7 |
| • | You can't have everything ... where would you put it. 7 |
| • | I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one – it wasn’t doing what I was doing. 7 |
| • | Everywhere is walking distance if you've got the time. 6 |
| • | In school they told me “Practice makes perfect.” And then they told me “Nobody's perfect,” so then I stopped practicing. 6 |
| • | It doesn’t matter what temperature a room is, it’s always room temperature. 6 |
| • | What is the speed of dark? 6 |
| • | A lot of people are afraid of heights; not me, I'm afraid of widths. 5 |
| • | There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot. 5 |
| • | Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film. 5 |
| • | I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography 5 |
| • | If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? 5 |
| • | What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants? 5 |
| • | How young can you die of old age? 5 |
| • | If Dracula can't see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed? 5 |
| • | The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up. 5 |
| • | I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything. 5 |
| • | I’m addicted to placebos. 5 |
| • | I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol. 5 |
| • | I went to a restaurant that serves “breakfast at any time”. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance. 5 |
| • | I have a large seashell collection which I keep scattered on the beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen it. 4 |
| • | I went to a museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums. 4 |
| • | Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. 4 |
| • | Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff? 4 |
| • | How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there? 4 |
| • | If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too? 4 |
| • | If you are killing time, are you damaging eternity? 4 |
| • | I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering. 4 |
| • | What’s another word for Thesaurus? 3 |
| • | I wrote a few children’s books… not on purpose. 3 |
| • | What a nice night for an evening. 3 |
