Quotes by
Ambrose Bierce |
1842–1914 , American writer
American newspaperman, wit, satirist, and author of sardonic short stories based on themes of death and horror. He wrote the short story An Occurrence at Owl Creek Bridge and compiled a satirical lexicon, The Devil's Dictionary.His life ended in an unsolved mystery when, in 1913, traveled to Mexico to gain first-hand experience of the Mexican Revolution.
| 86 quotes | 7,640 visits |
Quotations
| • | Egotist, n. A person of low taste, more interested in himself than in me. 15 |
| • | Politeness, n. The most acceptable hypocrisy. 12 |
| • | Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. 11 |
| • | Future, n.That period of time in which our affairs prosper, our friends are true and our happiness is assured. 10 |
| • | I think that I think, therefore I think that I am. 9 |
| • | Corporation, n. An ingenious device for obtaining individual profit without individual responsibility. 9 |
| • | Politics, n. A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles. The conduct of public affairs for private advantage. 9 |
| • | Bore, n. A person who talks when you wish him to listen. 7 |
| • | Saint, n. A dead sinner, revised and edited. 7 |
| • | Present, n. That part of eternity dividing the domain of disappointment from the realm of hope. 6 |
| • | God alone knows the future, but only an historian can alter the past. 6 |
| • | Woman would be more charming if one could fall into her arms without falling into her hands. 6 |
| • | Revelation, n. A famous book in which St. John the Divine concealed all that he knew. The revealing is done by the commentators, who know nothing. 6 |
| • | Alone, adj. In bad company. 5 |
| • | Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math. 5 |
| • | When lost in a forest go always down hill. When lost in a philosophy or doctrine go upward. 5 |
| • | Abstainer, n. A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure. 5 |
| • | Admiration, n. Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves. 5 |
| • | Diplomacy, n. The patriotic art of lying for one's country. 5 |
| • | Destiny: A tyrant's authority for crime and a fool's excuse for failure. 4 |
| • | Revolution: In politics, an abrupt change in the form of misgovernment. 4 |
| • | Infidel, n. In New York, one who does not believe in the Christian religion; in Constantinople, one who does. 4 |
| • | If you want to read a perfect book there is only one way: write it. 4 |
| • | Boundary, n. In political geography, an imaginary line between two nations, separating the imaginary rights of one from the imaginary rights of the other. 4 |
| • | Cynic, n. A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not as they ought to be. Hence the custom among the Scythians of plucking out a cynic's eyes to improve his vision. 4 |
| • | Opposition, n. In politics the party that prevents the Government from running amok by hamstringing it. 4 |
| • | Year, n. A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments. 4 |
| • | Patience, n. A minor form of despair, disguised as a virtue. 4 |
| • | Ambition, n. An overmastering desire to be vilified by enemies while living and made ridiculous by friends when dead. 3 |
| • | Apologize, v. To lay the foundation for a future offense. 3 |
| • | Reality, n. The dream of a mad philosopher. 3 |
| • | Aphorism, n. Predigested wisdom. 3 |
| • | To the eye of failure success is an accident. 3 |
| • | The poor man's price of admittance to the favor of the rich is his self-respect. 3 |
| • | A popular author is one who writes what the people think. Genius invites them to think something else. 3 |
| • | If you would be accounted great by your contemporaries, be not too much greater than they. 3 |
| • | Abnormal, adj. Not conforming to standards in matters of thought and conduct. To be independent is to be abnormal, to be abnormal is to be detested. 3 |
| • | Absurdity, n. A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own opinion. 3 |
| • | Defenseless, adj. Unable to attack. 3 |
| • | Faith, n. Belief without evidence in what is told by one who speaks without knowledge, of things without parallel. 3 |
| • | Happiness, n. An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of another. 3 |
| • | Opportunity, n. A favorable occasion for grasping a disappointment. 3 |
| • | Virtues, n. pl. Certain abstentions. 3 |
| • | Success, n. The one unpardonable sin against one's fellows. 3 |
| • | Selfish, adj. Devoid of consideration for the selfishness of others. 3 |
| • | Road, n. A strip of land along which one may pass from where it is too tiresome to be to where it is futile to go. 3 |
| • | Quotation, n. The act of repeating erroneously the words of another. The words erroneously repeated. 3 |
| • | Prejudice, n. A vagrant opinion without visible means of support. 3 |
| • | Pig, n. An animal (Porcus omnivorus) closely allied to the human race by the splendor and vivacity of its appetite, which, however, is inferior in scope, for it sticks at pig. 3 |
| • | Philosophy, n. A route of many roads leading from nowhere to nothing. 3 |
| • | The hardest tumble a man can take is to fall over his own bluff. 1 |
| • | Lawyer – One skilled in the circumvention of the law. 1 |
| • | History – An account mostly false, of events unimportant, which are brought about by rulers mostly knaves, and soldiers mostly fools. 1 |
| • | Brain: an apparatus with which we think we think. 1 |
| • | Love, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage 1 |
| • | Wisdom is known only by contrasting it with folly; by shadow only we perceive that all visible objects are not flat. 1 |
| • | All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher. 1 |
| • | The only distinction that democracies reward is a high degree of conformity. 1 |
| • | If you would be accounted great by your contemporaries, be not too much greater than they. 1 |
| • | Zeal, n. A certain nervous disorder afflicting the young and inexperienced. A passion that goeth before a sprawl. 1 |
| • | Optimist, n. A proponent of the doctrine that black is white. 1 |
| • | Ocean, n. A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for man — who has no gills. 1 |
| • | Logic, n. The art of thinking and reasoning in strict accordance with the limitations and incapacities of the human misunderstanding. 1 |
| • | Liberty, n. One of imagination's most precious possessions. 1 |
| • | Infancy, n. The period of our lives when, according to Wordsworth, “Heaven lies about us.” The world begins lying about us pretty soon afterward. 1 |
| • | Genealogy, n. An account of one's descent from an ancestor who did not particularly care to trace his own. 1 |
| • | Friendless, adj. Having no favors to bestow. Destitute of fortune. Addicted to utterance of truth and common sense. 1 |
| • | Erudition, n. Dust shaken out of a book into an empty skull. 1 |
| • | Dictionary, n. A malevolent literary device for cramping the growth of a language and making it hard and inelastic. 1 |
| • | Conservative, n. A statesman enamored of existing evils, as opposed to a Liberal, who wants to replace them with others. 1 |
| • | Congratulation, n. The civility of envy. 1 |
| • | Circus, n. A place where horses, ponies and elephants are permitted to see men, women and children acting the fool. 1 |
| • | Christian, n. One who follows the teachings of Christ so long as they are not inconsistent with a life of sin. 1 |
| • | Barometer, n. An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of weather we are having. 1 |
Funny Quotes
| • | Religion, n. A daughter of Hope and Fear, explaining to Ignorance the nature of the Unknowable. 11 |
| • | Witch, n. (1) An ugly and repulsive old woman, in a wicked league with the devil. (2) A beautiful and attractive young woman, in wickedness a league beyond the devil. 8 |
| • | Pray, v. To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled in behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy. 8 |
| • | Riot: A popular entertainment given to the military by innocent bystanders. 6 |
| • | Sweater, n.: garment worn by child when its mother is feeling chilly. 5 |
| • | Marriage, n. The state or condition of a community consisting of a master, a mistress and two slaves, making in all, two. 5 |
| • | Bacchus, n. A convenient deity invented by the ancients as an excuse for getting drunk. 4 |
| • | Zeus, n. The chief of Grecian gods, adored by the Romans as Jupiter and by the modern Americans as God, Gold, Mob and Dog. 4 |
| • | Un-American, adj. Wicked, intolerable, heathenish. 4 |
| • | Painting: The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather and exposing them to the critic. 3 |
| • | War is God's way of teaching Americans geography. 3 |
| • | Vote, v. The instrument and symbol of a freeman's power to make a fool of himself and a wreck of his country. 3 |
