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George Burns

1896-1996 ,  American comedian
George BurnsAmerican comedian, actor, singer, and writer. He was one of the few entertainers whose career successfully spanned vaudeville, radio, film and television.
When Burns was 79, he had a sudden career revival as an amiable, beloved and unusually active comedy elder statesman in the 1975 film The Sunshine Boys, for which he won the Academy Award for Best Supporting Actor.
He became a centenarian in 1996 and continued to work until just weeks before his death.

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You can't help getting older, but you don't have to get old.

Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.

I was brought up to respect my elders, so now I don't have to respect anybody.

Someone who makes you laugh is a comedian. Someone who makes you think and then laugh is a humorist.

I honestly think it is better to be a failure at something you love than to be a success at something you hate

There's an old saying, 'Life begins at forty.' That's silly. Life begins every morning you wake up.

Personal Stories

Nice to be here? At my age it's nice to be anywhere.

Funny Quotes

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.

Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.

If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die past that age.

When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.

I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.

Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.

It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.

You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there.

Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal, and a good woman - or a bad woman; it depends on how much happiness you can handle.

How can I die? I'm booked.

Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

I get up every morning and read the obituary column. If my name's not there, I eat breakfast.

I never go jogging, it makes me spill my martini.

Critics are eunuchs at a gang bang.


Similar sources

 George Carlin

 Henry Youngman

 Fred Allen

 Groucho Marx

 Mitch Hedberg

 Phyllis Diller

 Rodney Dangerfield

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