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Mignon McLaughlinMost sermons sound to me like commercials — but I can't make out whether God is the Sponsor or the Product.

—  Mignon McLaughlin, 1913-1983, American magazine editor

Ricky GervaisA Christian telling an atheist they're going to hell is as scary as a child telling an adult they're not getting any presents from Santa.

—  Ricky Gervais, 1961-, British comedian & screenwriter

Ricky GervaisIt’s a strange myth that atheists have nothing to live for. It’s the opposite. We have nothing to die for. We have everything to live for.

—  Ricky Gervais, 1961-, British comedian & screenwriter

NapoleonReligious wars are basically people killing each other over who has the better imaginary friend.

—  Napoleon, 1769-1821, French Emperor

Laurence J PeterMaybe the atheist cannot find God, for the same reason a thief cannot find a policeman.

—  Laurence J Peter, 1919-1990, Canadian writer & educator

George Bernard ShawThe fact that a believer is happier than a skeptic is no more to the point than the fact that a drunken man is happier than a sober one.

—  George Bernard Shaw, 1856-1950, Irish writer, Nobel 1925

Emile M. CioranA gifted humanity can only produce skeptics, never saints.

—  Emile M. Cioran, 1911-1995, French-Romanian philosopher

Friedrich NietzscheGod is dead.

—  Friedrich Nietzsche, 1844-1900, German philosopher

AnonymousA philosopher is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat that isn't there. A theologian is the man who finds it.

—  Anonymous

     (wrongly attributed to Mencken, Oscar Wilde and others)

H.L. MenckenFor centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.

—  H.L. Mencken, 1880-1956, American columnist & cultural critic

H.L. MenckenIf we assume that man actually does resemble God, then we are forced into the impossible theory that God is a coward, an idiot and a bounder.

—  H.L. Mencken, 1880-1956, American columnist & cultural critic

Mark TwainMost people are bothered by those passages of Scripture they do not understand, but the passages that bother me are those I do understand.

—  Mark Twain, 1835-1910, American writer

Mark TwainThe Bible has noble poetry in it... and some good morals and a wealth of obscenity, and upwards of a thousand lies.

—  Mark Twain, 1835-1910, American writer

George OrwellHe was an embittered atheist (the sort of atheist who does not so much disbelieve in God as personally dislike Him), and took a sort of pleasure in thinking that human affairs would never improve.

—  George Orwell, 1903-1950, British writer

Eric HofferThe opposite of the religious fanatic is not the fanatical atheist but the gentle cynic who cares not whether there is a god or not.

—  Eric Hoffer, 1902-1983, American writer & philosopher

G. K. ChestertonIf there were no God, there would be no atheists.

—  G. K. Chesterton, 1874-1936, English writer & critic

Thomas EdisonI have never seen the slightest scientific proof of the religious ideas of heaven and hell, of future life for individuals, or of a personal God.

—  Thomas Edison, 1847-1934, American inventor

Umberto EcoWhen men stop believing in God, it isn't that they then believe in nothing: they believe in everything.

—  Umberto Eco, 1932-2016, Italian writer

George SantayanaMy atheism, like that of Spinoza, is true piety towards the universe and denies only gods fashioned by men in their own image, to be servants of their human interests.

—  George Santayana, 1863-1952, Spanish-American philosopher

Anton ChekhovI can only regard with bewilderment an educated man who is also religious

—  Anton Chekhov, 1860-1904, Russian writer

Arthur ClarkeI don't believe in God but I'm very interested in her.

—  Arthur Clarke, 1917-2008, British Sci-Fi writer

Vladimir LeninAtheism is the natural and inseparable part of Communism.

—  Vladimir Lenin, 1870-1924, Soviet revolutionary & leader

Funny Quotes

George CarlinAtheism is a non-prophet organization.

—  George Carlin, 1936-2008, American comedian

Henry YoungmanI once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.

—  Henry Youngman, 1906-1998, American comedian

Woody AllenNot only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends.

—  Woody Allen, 1935-, American actor & film director

Christopher HitchensThe gods that we've made are exactly the gods you'd expect to be made by a species that's about half a chromosome away from being chimpanzee.

—  Christopher Hitchens, 1949-2011, British-American journalist & writer


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