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Dave LettermanThey say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. But if you ask a Native American, that number is more like 300 million.

—  Dave Letterman, 1947-, American TV talk show host

George CarlinWhen you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat.

—  George Carlin, 1936-2008, American comedian

Jean BaudrillardAmericans may have no identity, but they do have wonderful teeth.

—  Jean Baudrillard, 1929-2007, French intellectual

Winston ChurchillYou can always count on the Americans to do the right thing, after they have exhausted all the other possibilities.

—  Winston Churchill, 1874-1965, British Prime Minister, Nobel 1953

Otto von BismarckThere is a special providence for drunkards, fools, and the United States of America.

—  Otto von Bismarck, 1815-1898, German chancellor

Benjamin FranklinI wish the Bald Eagle had not been chosen as the representative of our country; he is a bird of bad moral character; like those among men who live by sharping and robbing, he is generally poor, and often very lousy.

—  Benjamin Franklin, 1706-1790, American politician & writer

Laurence J PeterAmerica is a land of taxation that was founded to avoid taxation.

—  Laurence J Peter, 1919-1990, Canadian writer & educator

Georges ClemenceauAmerica is the only nation in history which miraculously has gone directly from barbarism to degeneration without the usual interval of civilization.

—  Georges Clemenceau, 1841-1929, French Prime Minister

Georges ClemenceauAmericans have no capacity for abstract thought, and make bad coffee.

—  Georges Clemenceau, 1841-1929, French Prime Minister

Kurt VonnegutLike so many Americans, she was trying to construct a life that made sense from things she found in gift shops.

—  Kurt Vonnegut, 1922-2007, American writer

Kurt VonnegutIn case you haven’t noticed, we are now almost as feared and hated all over the world as the Nazis were.

—  Kurt Vonnegut, 1922-2007, American writer

Kurt VonnegutHigh school is closer to the core of the American experience than anything else I can think of.

—  Kurt Vonnegut, 1922-2007, American writer

Gore VidalOn 16 September 1985, when the Commerce Department announced that the United States had become a debtor nation, the American Empire died.

—  Gore Vidal, 1925-2012, American writer

Gore VidalHalf the American people never read a newspaper. Half never vote for President — the same half?

—  Gore Vidal, 1925-2012, American writer

Gore VidalThe United States was founded by the brightest people in the country — and we haven't seen them since.

—  Gore Vidal, 1925-2012, American writer

Christopher HitchensThe great thing about the United States and the historically magnetic effect it has had on a lot of people like me is its generosity.

—  Christopher Hitchens, 1949-2011, British-American journalist & writer

Samuel JohnsonI am willing to love all mankind, except an American.

—  Samuel Johnson, 1709-1784, English writer

Charles de GaulleYou may be sure that the Americans will commit all the stupidities they can think of, plus some that are beyond imagination.

—  Charles de Gaulle, 1890-1970, French President

Sigmund FreudAmerica is a mistake, admittedly a gigantic mistake, but a mistake nevertheless.

—  Sigmund Freud, 1856-1939, Austrian psychologist, founder of psychoanalysis

Joseph StalinGreat Britain provided time; the United States provided money and Soviet Russia provided blood.

—  Joseph Stalin, 1879-1953, Soviet leader

Adolf HitlerEverything about the behaviour of American society reveals that it's half Judaised, and the other half negrified.

—  Adolf Hitler, 1889-1945, German dictator

Lyndon JohnsonThere’s America, there’s the South, and then there’s Mississippi.

—  Lyndon Johnson, 1908-1973, American President [1963-1969]

Harry TrumanAmerica was not built on fear. America was built on courage, on imagination, and unbeatable determination to do the job at hand.

—  Harry Truman, 1884-1972, American President [1945-1953]

Harry TrumanNo nation on this globe should be more internationally minded than America because it was built by all nations.

—  Harry Truman, 1884-1972, American President [1945-1953]

Calvin CoolidgeTo live under the American Constitution is the greatest political privilege that was ever accorded to the human race.

—  Calvin Coolidge, 1872-1933, American President [1923-1929]

Calvin CoolidgeThe business of America is business.

—  Calvin Coolidge, 1872-1933, American President [1923-1929]

Franklin RooseveltWhat America needs now is a drink.

—  Franklin Roosevelt, 1882-1945, American President [1936-1945]

Margaret ThatcherEurope was created by history. America was created by philosophy.

—  Margaret Thatcher, 1925-2013, British Prime Minister

Arthur ClarkeA 100 years ago, the electric telegraph made possible-indeed, inevitable-the United States of America. The communications satellite will make equally inevitable a United Nations of Earth; let us hope that the transition period will not be equally bloody.

—  Arthur Clarke, 1917-2008, British Sci-Fi writer

George Bernard ShawI have defined the hundred per cent American as ninety-nine per cent an idiot.

—  George Bernard Shaw, 1856-1950, Irish writer, Nobel 1925

Franklin RooseveltRemember, remember always, that all of us, and you and I especially, are descended from immigrants and revolutionists.

—  Franklin Roosevelt, 1882-1945, American President [1936-1945]

Funny Quotes

George CarlinThe IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.

—  George Carlin, 1936-2008, American comedian

Dave LettermanAmerica is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.

—  Dave Letterman, 1947-, American TV talk show host

Dave BarryThe metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet.

—  Dave Barry, 1947-, American journalist

George CarlinIn America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem.

—  George Carlin, 1936-2008, American comedian

Ambrose BierceUn-American, adj. Wicked, intolerable, heathenish.

—  Ambrose Bierce, 1842–1914, American writer

TalleyrandI found there a country with thirty-two religions and only one sauce.

—  Talleyrand, 1754-1838, French statesman & diplomat


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